


Dark Corners

by andthentheresthiscastle



Category: Castle
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Season/Series 07, angsty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-05
Updated: 2015-12-04
Packaged: 2018-05-04 23:53:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5353085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andthentheresthiscastle/pseuds/andthentheresthiscastle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It was simple: Castle's subconscious was telling him he had been holding everyone back."</p>
<p>After they get married, Kate feels guilty for not trusting Castle from the start.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dark Corners

**Author's Note:**

> I know it's a big no-no to say this, but this isn't my best work. Still, I chose this to be my first fic on this site since I didn't want to start by posting one of my Explicit fics because they need more editing before I'm ready to let anyone read them. Their time will come, don't worry.  
> There's also an end note which requires that you've read this story first. Enjoy!

The thought doesn't occur to her immediately. In fact, she only puts it together after their Impromptu Honeymoon While On A Case, or IHWOAC, as Castle dubbed it. It took her this long because she was too busy, she tries to reason. They got married so unexpectedly and they spent the following days trying to apologise to their close friends for not including them. Plus, she had to notify HR to make the appropriate changes to her personnel file, including the change in her address (there wasn't a reason not to officially move in anymore, nor would she want to find one).

 

All these reasons derailed her from closely examining the clues Castle's bizarre experience had provided her to figure out his state of mind. He might have been thinking of it as a parallel universe, but Kate could see it for what it was: the product of an overactive imagination, prompted by their conversation earlier that day. But now she realizes that nothing was random in his story, nothing was unimportant. It was simple: Castle's subconscious was telling him he had been holding everyone back.

 

He had imagined a world where Kate was a precinct captain, his mother was a big theatre star and his daughter was trying to save the world. He had imagined that Kate hadn't been shot by a sniper and Montgomery had probably been alive, even though he didn't get to find out if that was actually true. That was telling a lot to her about how much guilt her husband was carrying all this time. He really thought that everyone would be better without him.

 

The minute the realisation hits her, it becomes a painful thing in her chest. She doesn't want this for him, for someone as good a person as Castle. She wonders if she somehow had a hand in this. She probably does, unintentionally. She did blame him for disappearing on their wedding day, initially, and accused him of faking his amnesia. Oh God, how could she do this do him? She was beside herself, sure, because there was evidence pointing he'd done this, but she should have known better, she should have known _him_ better. He would have never wanted to cause her that kind of pain intentionally.

 

The thought of how horribly she treated him when he had only just woken up in the hospital brings her tears now. Why didn't she trust him like Martha and Alexis instantly did? He disappeared on them too, she realizes, but they chose to believe in him. He would never make the three most important people in his life go through this if he was in control of the situation. At least two of them knew that, she thought bitterly.

 

But she knows that now. She knows and she believes, but she wished she could have seen it then. When it really mattered. When her trust was tested and she failed miserably. The weeks following his return she kept him at arms length and he knew that. He knew it and he did everything he could to earn her trust back, even though there shouldn't have been a reason to do that. And it seems like he still feels guilty about everything that happened.

 

It's not only her that lost her trust on him either. The thought is comforting for a second, until she realises how horrible it is. Esposito questioned Castle's involvement every step into the investigation and even after they found him. Sometimes she catches him looking at her husband with mistrust, even after all this time and it makes her mad. Ryan tried to find every excuse for Castle at first, but Kate isn't sure what he believes anymore. The FBI is still certain he somehow orchestrated this to get away from his wedding, and the media, while supportive at first, after a few weeks openly started to question whether the whole thing had been a publicity stunt. And she doesn't even want to know what theories his fans and the rest of the world have spewed over the social media.

 

It suddenly makes her so mad. Mad at herself and at the rest of the world. Mad at anyone who questioned him, whether they have a personal connection to him or not. The next time she'll catch Esposito throwing one of those looks at Castle, she'll have a talk with him, she resolves. And with Ryan and even with Lanie. She's going to make sure everyone believes in him again. Everyone who matters, at least. She could care less what those vultures of reporters think of him and she knows he feels the same way. He just wants the people close to him to be able to trust him and she'll fight to give him that with everything she has. She'll even fight Castle about it if she has to.

 

Kate knows that there's still a part of Castle that doesn't know if he can trust himself. She's caught him staring at his bullet scar, probably trying to conjure up the story of how he got it and what made him a target. It must be killing him, not knowing, probably more than her. Still, he puts on a smile everyday and tries to make her life better. Suddenly, she's not so sure if she's doing the same for him. Is she making his life better, or is she one of the people who make his life tougher? Does he know that she's in his corner, that she's been in his corner after she came to her senses when she saw that tape he'd made for her? Does he think there's a part of her that doesn't trust him? Did she make sure to tell him she loves him and trusts him with everything she has or is he tormented by these thoughts everyday, too afraid to ask for fear of losing her?

 

"Kate?" she hears his voice, only registering his presence just now.

 

Castle knows immediately that something's wrong with his wife, but as he gets closer he can see that she has been crying.

 

"Kate, what's wrong?" he asks and his concerned state makes her fall in love with him more, if that's even possible. He's such a caring man and after her inner monologue, she's not sure she deserves him.

 

"I'm sorry" she whispers, clear enough for him to hear, but it makes him more concerned.

 

"Sorry about what? What happened? I was only gone for a few minutes" he says hurriedly, sitting down beside her.

 

"For not believing in you when you were abducted" she answers.

 

"Oh, Kate, we've been over this" he reassures her, his palm gently cupping her cheek. "It's okay, you believe me now, right?"

 

She catches the tiniest bit of uncertainty in his eyes and it makes the tears run down her face faster, which in turn makes him worried that she still doesn't know what to think.

 

"Oh" it's all he can say, because his lungs seem constricted right now. He thought they were past this, he thought she could trust him again, despite the evidence and everyone that told her she shouldn't do it. He thought she agreed to marry him because she trusted him again. He should have known better, he should have known it was too much to ask, nothing good lasts for ever, nothing...

 

"Castle? Castle, no, you've got it wrong!" Kate exclaims desperately. "I do trust you, I trust you with my life!"

 

He just looks at her, not daring to hope that she really trusts him and it breaks her heart. She did this to him. She might have had help, but if he had her by his side from the first moment, he would have been able to tune out everyone else. And she's not even doing a good job of explaining that she absolutely trusts him now.

 

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be so bad at this, I'm trying but every word comes out wrong" she says, looking down.

 

"No, it's okay, I always stop you before you finish your thought" he apologises.

 

"See, that's the problem. Ever since you got back you apologise too much. You say "it's okay" too much, when it's not. I just don't want you to feel this way, Rick" she says, holding his hands with her own. "I believe in you. Wholeheartedly. I trust you and it's time you trust yourself. We don't know what happened those two months that you were away from me, but I trust that you were abducted from that car. I also trust that if you were in a position to come back to me and your family during those two months and you didn't, then there was a damn good reason for it. Because I know you and I know you wouldn't want to put your daughter, your mother or me through this without a good reason."

 

He's speechless for a few moments, marvelling at her words, because he realises that makes one of them. He's not sure if he can trust himself. He knows he would never leave Kate, not ever, much less on the day of their wedding, but what if he did something in the two months he can't remember, that goes against everything they both believe in? He's thought about it before, this isn't something new for him. He's a writer, and he can imagine the worst possible scenario, all the hideous things he might have done. There is a reason he asked not to remember, that was what fake Jenkins told him. Somewhere in this world lies proof of what he did.

**Author's Note:**

> Post-reading note: This is by no means a Beckett-bashing fic. The reason there's so much guilt-tripping is that it's written from Kate's POV. It's also been written way before season 8 started and even before the episode "Sleeper".  
> I've been struggling to write Rick's POV as a second chapter, a continuation of where I left off and he assuages her guilt. The muse is not cooperating so far. I'm still leaving it as incomplete, though.


End file.
